Blame NBC

I swear I’m frickin’ retarded, but I deny that it’s my fault. I blame NBC, and I can make a solid case. I think.

Get a load of this news caption on NBC’s “Today” show this morning. “Sea World orca shows resume after trainer’s death.” Okay, I had the sound off. But I thought the goddamn whale lost his job and was out showing his resumé. Is that my fault? What am I supposed to think after last week when the same news agency was running the caption “Whale will not be punished for trainer’s death”? Yeah. I swear before the Lord Jesus Christ. That’s what the t.v. screen said. Well, now, that was a fuckin’ relief. It seemed that Florida had some statute that I had never heard of in which an animal could be prosecuted for murder or, at the very least, malicious wounding. A stupid beast that couldn’t understand his Miranda rights if you presented them in Power Point.

Okay, I realize I’ve probably exceeded the fuck limits set by at least five state legislatures, so if you’ve had enough fucking, please stop reading now. Okay, now that the kids are gone, we can get back to talking about me.

So, here I am picturing this huge, fat-ass cetacean wearing a tie and chain smoking with his battered briefcase tucked under one flipper, hitting the bricks of Orlando. No marketable skills. No college credits in the last fifteen years. No healthcare. And, so, my stress level starts up, right?

Of course, in about seven seconds, I’ve re-read the caption and gotten the meaning right. But, by now, my day is shot to hell. After a boner like that, you can’t trust your eyes anymore, much less your cerebral cortex. Now Tessa has to speak very gently and slowly to me for the rest of the day. Probably tomorrow, too. And try not to spook me. If you leave comments, please be gentle. And please don’t use logic with me. This is NBC’s fault, period.