Women are Transcendent

It’s true, and I can prove it mathematically. Because this post deals exclusively with the finer sex, I wholly expect some people to find it offensive. So, you might wish to stop reading here if you’re offended either by women’s anatomy or by mathematics.

First of all, any dummy knows that in classic Euclidean geometry the sum of the interior angles of a triangle equals 180º. Now, setting aside all the trigonometric ratios, the sine, cosine, and tangent functions and their even kinkier inverse functions represented by the letter Ɵ, it is time to move on to the transcendent applications of the three-sided polygon.

I use the word transcendent in order to introduce a sense of reverence into this discussion. Some of you purists out there are going to say that I am actually talking about non-planar or hyperbolic geometry. That’s just silly. I’m discussing the female anatomy here, which mandates more poetic diction.

Anyways. Any dummy also knows that the triangular shape enjoys prominence across many fields of study from the mechanical applications of physics to the dynamic paintings and sketches of Leonardo Da Vinci and others. However, few efforts of art or experimental philosophy have paralleled the breathtaking beauty of the female form, and, specifically, the mons veneris. For those of you who own XBOX 360s, the mons veneris is the rounded eminence of fatty tissue protecting the human female pubis. Well, that probably doesn’t help you much, either, but anyhow.

And what does this have to do with the triangular shape? My own independent research has discovered that the mons veneris was once covered by a gentle growth of soft hair in the shape of, guess what! A triangle! As recently as the early 1980s the female pubic triangle was a common affair both in private and on the pages of flesh magazines, at least in the United States. Sadly, however, this is no longer the case. Any sentient being from any other world who studies female anatomy in popular magazines would conclude that the female pubic triangle has nearly completely evolved from our species, but this is only the result of the now common practice of shaving that area. Recent complaints to the editors of Playboy magazine reveal that this is not the fault of the magazine. Responding to angry letters from traditionalists who accuse them of forcing the women to shave, the editors said, “Hey, man, don’t blame us. These models are coming to our shoots already shaved.” And thus it is that many women are foregoing their own transcendence.

Yes, back to my thesis. Women are transcendent. As for proof now, one must first find an intact pubic triangle. Or you may imagine one. Good. Well done. That’s fine. Now, careful observation will reveal that the triangle before you does not occupy a plane of classic Euclidean geometry. The mons veneris lends a convex surface to the triangular shape of the patch of hair. At this point the calculations of classic geometry break down. In other words, the sum of the interior angles of this triangle now exceed 180º, thereby transcending classic geometry. Instead of explaining this proof by giving the formula which accounts for the Gaussian curvature of the plane, I will explain with a common household item.

Go and get a basketball. There’s probably one right there on your desk or something. Starting where all the black lines converge at the “top” of the sphere, follow one of the lines down to the “equator” of the basketball. Once at the “equator” make a left turn and trace your finger along the equator for about a fourth of the circumference until you come to another black line. Make another left turn and trace this black line back to the “top” of the sphere where you began. If you review this path taken by your finger, you will find that you have drawn a triangle the sum of whose interior angles exceed 180º. In fact, if your trip along the “equator” measured exactly one fourth of the circumference, then the interior angles total exactly 270º. Neat, huh?

Thus, have I proven that women, or, in this case, the female form, transcends classic geometry. Since this is merely a mathematical fact, its only purpose is intellectual enjoyment. The utility of this knowledge remains dormant until it is applied by research and experiment. It has been reported to be particularly successful in elementary flattery, for instance. Say, you want to charm a human female to bed, to bake cookies, or to patch your favorite jeans. Chances of success increase proportionately to skillful flattery. There is also an inverse law, however, which accounts for unskillful flattery which is just as detrimental to success as skill is successful. All scientific experiment and mechanical application requires practice and replication of results.

On a final note, I would appreciate reading about other possible uses of this philosophical information. So, if anyone can produce results and replicate them, feel free to post them below. Thank you.