Gay Dream

I had a gay dream last night. I know what you’re thinking. Did it suck? Very funny. This is serious. I think God is punishing me for stomping around the house and threatening to rip off Todd Palin’s faggot mustache. I don’t like Todd. His wife’s okay. But I’d never allow my wife to throw my 14-year-old daughter in front of a filthy joke meant for somebody else and use the infamy to further her career. But this isn’t a political blog. And the Letterman/Palin thing is very over. If there’s a blog award for beating a dead horse, feel free to nominate me.


Anyway, this gay dream. No big deal really. It’s not like it’s the first one I’ve ever had. I don’t enjoy them, or anything. And I can always examine my conscience and figure out what I did to deserve it. That’s how I know it’s God punishing me. Dude has a mean sense of humor.

Some of you are thinking, Does this mean that straight dreams are a reward from God? Well, no, of course not. If a gay person has a straight dream, then that’s punishment, too. I know better than to ask my monk friends whether it’s a reward if straight people have straight dreams. Fact is, whenever I have a straight dream with a woman who is not Tessa (and you know who you are), there is always something to ruin it, like a Barbara Streisand record playing in the background.

Not totally ruin it, though. I mean just something to keep it slightly off perfect. And God would never send a reward that wasn’t complete and perfect. Proof? Well, I don’t have any really. I just said that because a certain percentage of readers have stopped right there with that sentence and are now overflowing with joy in their hearts. Some of them will even cut and paste from this entry and start a chain e-mail about the irresistible power of a miraculous God.

I’m even surging myself just thinking about it. It’s one of the rewards of being a Christian. Lots of rewards there. For example, I can make fun of Christians because I have never left the church sort of. I’m still a Catholic, too. It’s fun. Makes me feel more like Bruce Springsteen. Know what I mean? Lots of my Catholic buddies have sort of migrated to the evangelical scene. I totally understand why, but I just can’t to it. Besides, “lapsed Catholic” sounds way cooler than, “I gave my life to Christ.”

I’ve accepted the fact that my willful ways are going to earn me more and more rebuke and chastisement from God. That’s okay. The Lord rebukes whom He loves and all that. And, besides, gay dreams aren’t all that bad. They’re always over in a couple of minutes.