What Women Really Want

If you’re looking to pack on pounds of rippling muscle and build bigger “guns” to improve your performance in the bedroom and the board room, then you have a lot to learn about what women care about. And what boards really care about, come to think of it. This article will provide you with hundreds of “secret” tips to build that body you started dreaming of when you were fifteen and discovered pot instead. Read on to gain that over-the-top advantage in all aspects of life and to become that over-the-top person who ends up in a corner petting the hostess’ dog at the party or leaning on the kitchen counter getting in her way.

Before I divulge my “priceless” secrets, let me tell you a story about a friend of mine. Let’s call him Jack, even though his real name is Jack. Jack is a hunter, which means he sits around a lot. He liked bow-hunting, but he had lost so much upper arm strength that he could hardly draw back the arrow to kill a baby turkey, much less bring down a twenty-point buck. Jack’s wife lavished all sorts of gifts on him. Rifles, expensive tree stands, fancy outfits of all kinds for his hunting endeavors. But Jack was never a successful hunter until one fateful day. Jack’s wife was a piece of ass, by the way. I used to drop by their house while he was out hunting. I would listen to her for hours while she talked about her job and about her family who lived thousands of miles away. One day I gave her a back rub and we ended up naked in bed. We carried on for several months. Jack got all pissed off for some reason but never told me what it was about. We haven’t spoken since.

So, you see, if you set out to give people “priceless” information and then end up telling a story that is more interesting, they become confused and completely satisfied, much like after sex. Then you can bring up a scientific fact or two. For example, Albert Einstein proved that it is mathematically possible to travel forward through time. However, it is logically and physically impossible to travel backward through time. This is a paradox of life which can be swept aside by my one hundred “secret” tips for getting that male body you’ve always dreamed of.

Now you’re ready for my one hundred “secret” tips. What women really want is . . . are you ready? What women really want . . . trust me, you won’t like this. What women really want is for you to pay attention to them instead of to yourself. Told you. That’s also what multi-million-dollar companies want, too. So, get out of the boardroom and stay away from the bedroom. Grow a mustache. Get your ass to the gym and start building those sleeve-busting biceps right now. You will find no end of people and products willing to take your money in exchange for the “easiest” way to get ripped. Off.