Mad Matt, Problem Solver

Ah, summer. Time to hire Mad Matt again. And none too soon. There’s lots to be done. I’d been meaning to retrieve my old van that konked out in front a buddy’s house sometime during the last White House administration. It’s been sitting in the street, there, ever since—a hulking reminder of my procrastination and my friend’s patience. So, finally, I call up Matt and say, “I need you to help me tow a van home.”

Now, like everyone else on the planet, Matt has some functional limitations. He has at least one in common with Albert Einstein. Neither of them looks as if he could comb his hair. The great thing about knowing Matt is that he always throws my own limitations into sharp relief. Like the time I wasted three hours trying to hammer the universal joints out of the driveshaft on my pickup. He rode up on his bike next day. I asked him to see if he could get them out. He had them out in five minutes. He pointed at the driveshaft with a screwdriver. “Ya gah ta’ outthis kee’er here.”

“Oh,” I replied nodding rhythmically. “What?”

“Ya gaah ta’ outthis kee’er here,” he repeated patiently.

“Oh,” I said again nodding.

Seeing that I was about to embarrass myself again, he held up the tiny curly-cue piece of flattened high-carbon steel that keeps the bearing casing inside the yoke. “Oh!” I said. “The keeper!” Some u-joints are designed with keepers. Some aren’t. I just didn’t notice. But ole Matt did.

He’s schooled me on several occasions. Like last Friday when we went to pick up the van. It was sitting in the sun with the windows up, and the temperature was exactly ninety degrees. We had agreed that Matt would steer the van while I pulled with the pickup. One thing Matt does is that he blacks out when he gets too hot. Okay, this was great. The electric windows in the van could not be opened because the battery was dead. I began opening all the doors to get some ventilation in there. I could just see ole Matt konking out behind the wheel when we’re doing thirty miles an hour on a four-lane street. “Shit, Man!” I said. “Now we gotta take the battery out of my pickup just to roll down the windows.”

Matt mumbled something and then started rummaging around in the van looking for God-knew-what. I fastened the towing strap to the front of the van and stood up. “You think you wanna ride in that hot van with the windows up? Or should we switch batteries and roll down the windows.”

“Naw,” he said. “Ah gaah do i’ tuh rown.”

I watched his hands move, but it didn’t help. “Oh,” I said. “Okay. I’m going to look for some wire to make sure that chain stays hooked.” While I was looking for baling wire in the yard of a suburban home, Matt produced a wire hanger from somewhere. “Good,” I said. “We’ll use that.” I went back to the curb and stared at the hot van. I sure as hell didn’t want him in that thing in this heat. “You sure you can steer that thing with the windows up, or should we switch batteries?”

“Naw,” he said. “Ah gaah do i’ tuh rown.”

I buried my pride. “All right,” I said. “What was that again?”

In explanation, Matt held up the free ends of a pair of jumper cables he had already attached to the dead battery on the van.

“Oh!” I almost yelled. “Turn around! Yeah! Good thinking!” I said. I turned the pickup round and attached the jumper cables to its battery. Matt climbed in the van and spooled down both windows without saying a word. I guess it’s really hard to talk to someone who doesn’t understand a fucking word of English. “Those aren’t my cables,” I said. “Where’d you get them?”

“They were i’ back.”

“Okay,” I said. That much I could understand. “Those are Mike’s. Let’s leave them here.” He carefully wound the cables and placed them in Mike’s garage. We were soon on our way, and had the van safely home in twenty minutes. A perfect job.

“That was perfect!” I said as we stepped into the street at home to detach the tow strap. Matt was trying not to grin. “My ste’dad taught me,” he said. I couldn’t believe it. I understood him perfectly the first time. “Well you’re the best I’ve ever seen at this job.” Matt went on explaining in rapturous tones about how you’re supposed to let the other guy pull and you do the braking for him. Let him pull you up the hill and then you pull him when you go down. I was so happy listening to him. I got at least thirty percent of it the first time he said it. After he had rehearsed it a few times, I’m sure I got the whole thing.